


Safe and Holy

by easiIyamused



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Other, because that's my business, due to personal reasons i will be ignoring Certain Things from the last ep, good ending, learning how to cope healthily!, local man finds out that talking about stuff makes you feel better???, revolutionary, welcome to the carte blanche we got uuuuh healing and uuuuuuh snacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25381960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/easiIyamused/pseuds/easiIyamused
Summary: 'The best part of two decades after the Angel of Brahma bought down the Guardian Angel System, Peter sees Fathers’ Day marked on the Carte Blanche’s ‘Studs of the HCPD’ calender and embarks on an almost excessively intense three day series of panic attacks.'Juno and Peter have a Big Talk about Brahma.(content warning for discussion of emotional abuse, descriptions of ptsd and some murder talk! take care.)
Relationships: Mag & Peter Nureyev, Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 9
Kudos: 98





	Safe and Holy

The best part of two decades after the Angel of Brahma bought down the Guardian Angel System, Peter sees Fathers’ Day marked on the Carte Blanche’s ‘Studs of the HCPD’ charity calender and embarks on an almost excessively intense three day series of panic attacks, flashbacks, dissociation and gut-wrenching guilt. He knows that it was three days, because Juno tells him so, and he can trust Juno. Does trust him. 

It’s early evening and they’re lying face to face in bed. Peter still feels a fuzz in his brain, sees the blur at the corner of his eyes, but it’s getting better. Juno is holding his hand, tracing shapes on his palm. So gentle. Peter clears his throat. He’s not spoken for a while, so he’s all hoarse and high pitched and wrong,

“It was awful.”  
“Brahma?”  
“What I did.”  
“Oh.” Juno’s brow is furrowed, all serious and attentive and spelling out that he’s listening. Peter has done nothing to deserve that.  
He suddenly feels sick with himself, feels his insides turn acidic, carefully moves his hand away from Juno’s so that he can press his palm down on his own forehead, trying to stave off the buzzing and the blurring. He’s so greedy. Taking and taking and taking without needing or deserving. Taking up Juno’s energy with his bullshit, taking up space on the ship with his neuroses and strangeness, taking up Mag’s time-

“Nureyev? You with us?” Juno’s moved his hand up to cup Peter’s face, stroke his cheek with his thumb. When he speaks he sounds a little far away. Peter blinks hard, tries to keep himself there, focuses on the sensation on his face.  
“I’m here. Sorry.” It’s alright that his voice cracks, he reminds himself. It’s alright to be sad or scared.  
“Do you wanna talk about it? Even a little bit?” It’s so soft, the way Juno speaks at times like this. Like he understands how loud small noises can feel when you’re used to living inside yourself for years at a time. _He does understand _, Peter remembers, _he was inside your mind, he saw it. _“You don’t have to, but I’m worried about you and I want to help. So- when you’re ready?” There’s the softness again. Peter feels like he’s melting inside, takes a deep breath and speaks,____

____“I- just kept thinking about- how things could have been if I had been- better? Smarter? I don’t know.”  
“How do you mean?”  
“I should have been able to- to find a better way.”  
“You were sixteen, Peter.” The use of his first name makes the hair on the back of his neck stand up. He pushes through it. He doesn’t need to be scared of Juno, of his name, of anything in this room.  
“He didn’t have to die.” Peter can barely get the words out. His hands itch, sticky with blood that is not real, not real.  
“He didn’t give you a choice.” Juno’s jaw is set, his eye is narrow with something heavy. Concern, maybe. Peter tries to stay in the room, to think about how warm Juno’s hands are instead of the phantom blood on his own. _ _ _ _

____“I owed him my life. He was the only- the first person who ever cared whether I lived or died and I murdered him, Juno.”  
“He was genocidal and he lied to you. You were a child and he should have protected you, not forced you into that place. Okay?”  
“I wanted to be there.”  
“Of course you did. I’m sure you wanted to do anything he said, anything to make him proud of you.” There’s anger in Juno’s voice, and disgust, but Peter knows they’re not aimed at him. “I know you loved him, Peter. I’m sure he thought he loved. But from what you’ve said, from what I’ve seen-”  
“I know.” He can’t let him finish the sentence. Juno’s completely right, but it still makes Peter’s brain ache to comprehend the extent of how he was manipulated. How much of his reality for all those years was a farce. _ _ _ _

_____There’s a moment of quiet. Peter’s hair has fallen in front of his eyes slightly. Juno pushes it back into place with this sort of reverence, like it’s the most important thing in the world. Emboldened, Peter asks him, “Can I tell you something stupid?”  
“Try me.”  
“I still miss him. Really badly. Even after all this time, after what he did, what I did.”  
“That’s not stupid, honey. I miss my childhood all the time, and it was an absolute shitshow.” They both smile sadly at that. Peter feels a pang of that burning guilt again but tries to let it lie.  
“It’s just- I know it wasn’t good, theoretically, but in practice, it’s hard to reconcile the good parts with the- you know.” The being treated like a stray dog, like a prizefighter, like a machine to be programmed and then let loose. Juno makes an understanding sort of humming sound._ _ _

____ _ _

____They lay in the silence after that, thinking. Peter can feel the contact between his shoulder and the bed again, feel the air-con on his socked feet. The sensation on his hands has subsided. He leans into Juno’s hand, lets his eyes fall shut. Basks in the reassurance he’s been gifted. Absorbs Juno’s words, commits them to memory, combines them with the new language he’s learned to build mantras; _you were a child, you were trying to help, you didn’t have a choice, it’s alright, it’s okay, it’s over. _____ _ _

______He’s not aware of falling asleep until waking up, the artificial morning light from Juno’s SAD lamp gradually filling the room. Juno’s face is pressed into Peter’s chest, his arms locked around his boyfriend’s waist, their legs tangled together. Peter couldn’t get up if he wanted too, which is fine by him._ _ _ _ _ _

______He dimly attempts to recall if he slept at all the three past three days and nights. He’s pretty sure he didn’t, vaguely remembers hyperventilating in one of the ship’s washrooms at four in the morning, knocking back caffeine to stave off nightmares. That must account for a significant part of how much better he’s feeling this morning, but there’s something else, too. A new lightness to his chest. It feels good._ _ _ _ _ _

______Juno stirs, cracks open his eye, and looks up at Peter. Makes the most ‘good morning’-adjacent noise he can while muffled by the sweater he coaxed Peter into yesterday. It’s possibly the most endearing thing Peter’s ever seen. It amplifies the lightness, somehow. He shifts down to kiss Juno on the forehead. When they’re both a little more conscious, Peter will thank him, tell him how much he loves him, how much it all means. But for now, he thinks, for now it’s enough to be close, to hold this space, to let the past lie and to be _okay. _____ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. thank you for reading this!
> 
> 2\. comments please, please comments
> 
> 3\. here's a playlist for this fic-   
>  -it's alright by mother mother  
>  -safe and holy by christine and the queens  
>  -father's day by frank turner  
>  -i will by mitski 
> 
> 4\. mmm coming to terms with bad stuff is hard but WE MOVE
> 
> 5\. have a fab day, lots of love!!


End file.
